Replanting the seeds

 

How do we pick up the pieces when they fall apart? How do we mend something that is shattered and can never go back to the way it was before? What do we do with the fragments when they only loosely fit together?

The first time I lost my faith in the church, I decided I would simply discard the broken pieces. My trust had been so shattered as I uncovered parts of the Church's history that had been hidden, obscured, or simply omitted, that I had no hopes of reconciling the difference between what I'd been taught and what I now knew to be true. It was just easier to walk away completely. I took my anger and resentment, and I burned away the parts of me that were "Mormon" both figuratively and literally as I set my patriarchal blessing on fire. Any desire to return to church smoldered in the ashes of those burning pages.

It was a lie, it was all a lie... That's what kept circling around in my mind as I reeled from the sudden destruction of my faith. I hated the church for the pain I felt. How could an institution allegedly headed by Jesus Christ so easily betray the trust of someone like me? I wasn't raised in the church. I was a convert and the reality was I had to fight like hell to even join the church. I went for years before I was able to get baptized. I alienated so many of my friends and much of my family to join the church. I even nearly destroyed my relationship with my parents over a desire to go on a mission... And yet, it was all a lie... Or at least that was my conclusion at the time. 

Unless you've gone through the loss of faith, you cannot fully grasp how broken your mind becomes, how dejected and tormented your spirit becomes. True believing members of the church will like say this is because you're turning away from the truth, but anyone who has experienced this knows that's the opposite of what happens. It's an awakening to the truth, a cruel, crushing truth that leaves you devoid of trust. It's like having rose colored glasses ripped off only to find that everything around you is so decayed and rotten that nothing seems worth salvaging. 

For a long time after I lost my faith I became convinced Joseph Smith was nothing more than a Con man. I despised the very idea of him. I felt like I was just another victim of his, but eventually my thoughts around this shifted. I decided to put that theory to the test and truly examine everything we know about him. I wanted to measure him against what we know con artists to be like. And you know what I found? Joseph Smith didn't fit the mold of a con artist. I was unsettled by this realization, and so I started measuring him against what we know charasmatic cult leaders to be like. Again, he didn't fit the mold.

Sure, there were some traits or behaviors that overlapped, but there were too many contradictions. Con artists and charasmatic cult leaders are nothing if not consistent, yet Joseph Smith was inconsistent. He did things and set things up in such a way that completely undermined his authority or control. It's more accurate to say Joseph Smith was a true communists rather than a cult leader. Again and again he tried to empower those around him, not for praise or recognition, but because he seemed to understand he wasn't going to be around forever and he wanted his church to survive past his death. 

Even in the way he helped design the towns and cities the church members built was forward thinking toward a time when he wouldn't be around. I know I'm not giving specifics but that's mostly because there is just so much information to sift through before one can really draw a conclusion as I have. I encourage anyone interested to read "Rough stone rolling" the biography of Joseph Smith, and the compare his life, behavior, words, and actions to what we know to be true about con artists and cult leaders. I'm certain you will see that there are too many contradictions to lump him into either category.

Still, how could I rectify my feelings of betrayal when Joseph Smith didn't seem to be the culprit? If it wasn't him, then who was it? I wish there was a single answer to that question but the reality is that it's a long, complicated list of people, many of whom likely weren't even aware they were complicit in what has amounted to something resembling a modern day con job. 

The one most guilty in my mind, is Brigham Young. If anyone was the archetype of a con artist or cult leader, it was him. The Book of Mormon discusses the idea that only poison fruit can spring from a corrupted vine. After a great deal of consideration, I have identified the source of the corruption that pervades much of today's church. Almost every problematic aspect to the church can be tied back to him in one way or another. He was a man who sought power, recognition, and sex. Yes you heard me right, he was the biggest proponent of polygamy and had dozens of wives. You know who else seeks power, recognition, and sex? Cult leaders. Study any male cult leader and what you will find is that their endgame almost always results in creating some kind of sexual harem. 

More than this, though, Brigham Young was the first one to really use his position as "prophet" to alienate his rivals, ostracize his critics, and weaponize his priesthood to push personal agendas. Anyone who has awoken from the latter-day saint narrative and actually examines the culture and practice of the church can easily see how these things are still done today. Becoming the prophet or an apostle in the church has become almost completely a game of politics. It's all about who you know and whether or not you're willing to tow the party line. People who disagree with or criticize the church leadership are almost always ostracized or excommunicated. The priesthood has become a tool through which many men seek dominion over women and has been used as a tool to oppress and condemn LGBTQ individuals. Personal politics have replaced doctrine. We no longer have revelations given like they were to Joseph Smith. How many of the D&C chapters come from later prophets? 

Some will say "but we have other publications that the prophets teach us through."

My response to that is, "But how many of those claim to be directly spoken from Jesus Christ or the Father?" The answer is none. And the ones that were allegedly given after Joseph's death have been suppressed by the church (re: the journal of discourses) because they are rife with contradictions, false prophecy, and doctrine the church no longer subscribes to, let alone wants to admit it ever held as doctrine. 

So what's the answer to my original question? How do we put the pieces back together in a way that makes sense? Because anyone who critically thinks about today's church can see the church is broken, failing, and falling further away from Jesus Christ's gospel. Once I would have said the answer was to walk away from it completely, but I no longer feel that way. I think we need to salvage what we can from the original founder of the church, and toss away the pieces that have become corrupted, and I believe the Book of Mormon is meant to be our guiding star. If it's not in the Book of Mormon then we need to set it aside, reconsider it, or treat it as suspect. Temple ordinances are suspect. Passing down of prophethood is suspect. Everything dealing with polygamy is suspect. Every "doctrine" that came after Joseph's death is definitely suspect. 

We need to return to our roots. We need to do as the keeper of the vineyard did in the Book of Mormon. We need to cut away the corrupted vines and replant it. We need to reclaim what it means to be Mormon before it's too late. 

So what parts do you think we need to keep, reconsider, or discard? Let us know in the comments.